It's weird: The leader of the Conservative Party in England is two years younger than me, and I still don't feel like a responsible adult- Jarvis Cocker

Conserv... (Title cut to save money)

In life the same two things are guaranteed: taxes and death. But if you're living under the Tories, you can certainly add cuts to the mix. Apparently Mr. Osborne has secured 4 government departments cut 30% of their spending over the next 4 years, which is just enough to cover the cost of child protection insurance David Cameron buys to make sure he gets money back if he leaves his kids in a pub again. But I guess the Tories aren't that stupid, admitting that "boom and bust" is still a problem, but then again this is from the same man that got humiliated by a lot of old pensioners with walking sticks over tax credits. So what's the catch? 

The same catch the Tories have had since day one. Iain Duncan Smith may have infamously cheered at the idea of a "living wage", which couldn't be more inappropriate named if you had slapped the name "free money" on the policy, but this time he'll be crying into a pool of his own tears. Like a true politician, he's standing his ground in his department and shouting "You shall not pass", well, that's what I hope anyway. Universal credits isn't even offered by half of job centres in the UK at the time of writing, and the Tories are wanting to cut it further to save welfare, about as familiar to the Tories as riots on Trafalgar Square.

According to their sums, £12 billion is needed from welfare. Why you ask?
*tory puppet glove*:To cover the deficit of course!
Haven't you been promising to cover that since you came in power in 2010 and have constantly missed deadlines?
*tory puppet glove #2*: It was worse under Labour!
Yes but that wasn't Labour's sole fault was it?
*labour puppet glove*: It was only Blair's fault, now we've got a white haired old chap that understands welfare.
*blairite and sun reader puppet glove*: In the same way he "understands" war.

Nutmeg: best to score an open net or kick him in the nuts?

As demonstrated in my well balanced puppet glove argument it's a dead end. Should you favour the party keen on covering the deficit and breaking your welfare in the process, or vice versa? Well without revealing my true colours, here's a brief summary. George Osborne has lost it. And by "it", I don't mean his sanity, that'll be next year. No, I mean his tory leadership campaign. Even loyal Labour fans can't mock his deficit facts, over halving it between 2010-15, even if he did miss the time frame. But now he's lost in the Lords, erupting his mini "constitutional crisis" that no one was falling for, resulting in him having tantrum in his fancy chair. He has the factor of being close friends to his messiah Mr.Cameron, but that didn't stop Michael Gove being pegged down when it came to the time. The same can be said to Mrs. May, who as Home Secretary has a tainted record at best, and the internet privacy debate has only added fuel to the ever growing fire. BoJo is the only one falling away from the limelight, but is doing well because of it. He's the Stalin ghost of today, and he only comes out in the media if he's tackled a Japanese schoolboy to the ground.

Jordan Ifield (I want to see Theresa May's internet history in the Freedom of Information Act before passing her bill through)